As much as we would love to say that all of our lives never will have trials or tears, the reality is that many of us will overcome obstacles that we never imagined possible. I recently had the pleasure to speak with Kalyn Rios, the voice behind HisPhoebe.com. This is her story of infertility and how she has kept hope in the midst of the darkest of times.
A journey with infertility
Infertility. Few understand the pain, sorrow, and uncertainty this word holds. For those who do understand, it’s hard to take advice or even encouragement from those who haven’t experienced that same pain, sorrow, or uncertainty. Infertility is a battle so many fight alone and in silence.
It’s being isolated from the rest of the world that so freely goes about fulfilling its own desires for life, while you seemingly stay stuck in one place unable to move “forward” into the “next chapter” in your life. It’s a trial that tempts you to question God’s goodness and whether he has a complete plan for your life at all.
Infertility is a season that will challenge who you are and how strong your faith is. Infertility can birth something out of you that you never imagined, through God’s grace. I want to tell you about my journey and what God has taught me– birthed through me– in my seasons of darkness through both His word and understanding saints He has sent to speak life and encouragement back into me at times when my fire was nearly burnt out.
My story
My infertility journey began at the end of 2016. I began birth control to regulate my periods about 3-4 months before I married in April. My doctor didn’t look into the reasons for my irregular periods, she just said “let’s put you on birth control to regulate them.” Being young I said “okay,” not questioning anything because she was the doctor and probably knew what she was doing. I didn’t have anyone at the time that I could talk to or ask for advice.
My first infertility tip: Go see a doctor if anything doesn’t seem right, married or not. Find a doctor that asks questions, and explores options and causes.
I stayed on birth control for another 6 months after my husband and I got married. October 2017 we decided to start trying to concieve. By July 2018 I hadn’t had a single period. It had been 9 months. I went to a GYN who at first said I had the signature PCOS “string of pearls”, a formation of ovarian cysts commonly associated with PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome).
Being concerned about my lack of cycles, she said I could have cancer and that we needed to get my periods to restart as soon as possible or we would have to do a biopsy.
After that doctor’s appointment, I got in my car and cried out to God. I asked him to use this– whatever this season was going to be– for His glory. Use it for my husband’s ministry, to draw us closer to Him. I didn’t know where His plan was leading me, but I knew if I was going to have cancer or even PCOS I did not want it all to be in vain.
Glory to God, it wasn’t cancer and thanks to provera my cycles restarted (still irregular) and I was on a mission to lose more weight because the doctor said it would help.
Infertility tip #2: Don’t be afraid to use medications if absolutely necessary to help your body get to the place it needs to be. Medications can have such bad “taboo”.
Yes, definitely be careful, be aware of side effects– but remember, He’s the giver of all knowledge. Be wise and trust that the knowledge the doctors have been given was from God.
After blood tests, she sent me an email saying I had decreased ovarian reserve and said there was nothing more she could do for me, I needed to see a reproductive endocrinologist that my medical insurance didn’t cover without a referral. However she didn’t see an endocrine problem with the one blood test she did, and therefore did not give me a referral.
I felt so hopeless. “Low egg count? That means that no matter what I do nothing will help and I will have to get pregnant through expensive medical treatments that I don’t know I’ll ever be able to afford.”
Wanting to explore further, I got onto my husband’s insurance plan and went to another GYN who was wonderful. She spoke to me straight and based solely on my previous doctors notes, diagnosed me with PCOS. But she did want me to go back on birth control to preserve my uterus. After prayer, I decided against it believing that God would have His way in His timing and that His will would be done regardless.
Infertility tip #3: Ask questions, and don’t be afraid to say no when you don’t want a certain treatment or medication.
Along the way both my husband and I received prophecies by people who didn’t know what we were struggling with. People who didn’t really even know us. Receiving these prophecies we’ve come to realize that God has a mighty plan for our lives and because we have simply cast our sights on Jesus, He uses us in ways that we wouldn’t have been able to serve; had we had our own young children.
We are currently considering taking in three young children into our home. We are leading our youth at church and have been able to cultivate relationships and bonds to many young souls that have blessed us so much.
Fast forward to February 2020, I had lost 15-20 pounds and my periods were getting more regular, and yes, despite what the first doctor said, I am ovulating and have begun to take ovulation tests and record my basal body temperature to help me learn more about my cycles.
I’ve taken countless disappointingly negative pregnancy tests. Due to COVID I have gained a few pounds back but I have learned to be easy on myself. Stress is worse for the body than being over weight– in my humble opinion.
Infertility tip #4: be easy on yourself and let yourself feel what you feel, just don’t stay in those emotions. You are not to blame. Take care of your soul, take care of your body. The rest will come.
It hasn’t been easy, sitting in God’s waiting room. All the negative pregnancy tests, well-meaning but stinging comments, seeing everyone else around me have babies, even by mistake. However, while waiting, God has truly been teaching and speaking to us every step of the way.
I could have never imagined the places of darkness I would go, but I could also never have imagined the things God would whisper in my ear in those places. In me, God has birthed the ministry of writing, the ministry of teaching, and the ministry of compassion, to name a few.
I had a terrible relationship with my mother growing up and I asked God to never allow me to become that for my own children, and I honestly believe God has used this season of waiting to also answer this prayer by allowing me more time with the children I teach at work and the children at church.
Through this, all of these ministries have been cultivated at the same time. God has used me in mighty ways and I boast only in the Lord because without Him I would be nothing.
Infertility #5: Ask God to work in you. Be determined to not let this season be in vain, allow God to draw you nearer to Him. He may not have wanted this for you, however, He works IN ALL things for the good of those who love Him.
There were many ways Jesus built up my faith. He sent encouraging prophecies, prayer warriors to pray powerful and edifying prayers over me, and even lead me to books that would give me spiritual sustenance. I now have a strong community of mentors, specifically Dawn Carol who waited 20 years for her little miracle.
Boy, does that woman have a testimony. One outing we were visiting a mall and we happened to pass by a store that I told my husband he had to take me to when I was pregnant. It was closing down. I pointed this out to her and she said, “why wait? We are going to go get you something by faith.
Right here, right now.” So she made me go through that store and find the perfect maternity shirt. As ridiculous as I felt looking for a shirt that to the carnal eye I couldn’t wear, I found a fun one I liked.
On this day I learned something very important. We must walk by faith and not by sight. Walking by faith is acting as if you have already received your miracle. Whether this means setting up a nursery in your spare room, buying baby clothes, or even buying a simple maternity t-shirt.
By doing this, sister Dawn helped me declare that by faith I will receive my little bundle of joy. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, I just know my God, He is faithful.
Infertility #6: Walk by faith. You may see that you don’t have a child in your arms, but Jesus is a God that reacts to our faith.
Over the course of my infertility journey God has really emphasized Hannah’s story in my mind. I found an audio book called “The Hannah Anointing” by Michelle McClain-Walters. She also sells her books online on amazon and walmart. This book opened my eyes to the power of prayer.
I also realized that, yes, Jesus is a God who wants to fulfill the desires of my heart. “The Hannah Anointing is all about welcoming the wait, leaning into your calling, and allowing this process to make you into a resilient woman.
Now, it’s really hard to take advice telling me to be positive and keep my head up– especially from people who have never experienced a season of barreness… but this is from the word of God and we can learn from Hannah’s acts of faith, faithfulness to God and God’s faithfulness to her in return. Remember, He is a God that reacts to our actions and our faith.
I believe that God allows men and women to sit in His waiting room, as Kim Haney says in her book, “God Has a Waiting Room,” to cultivate the character of resiliency.
Jesus has taught me that it’s okay to keep living. Go on that vacation with my husband. take on that ministerial responsibility. Enter that educational program. Obey whatever callings that God sends my way.
My last infertility tip, tip #7: welcome the wait. Use this time to grow closer to him and allow Him to work in you and through you. Your patience and faithfulness will be rewarded.
I continue to go through bouts of doubt and sadness and worry. The best way to combat those fiery darts is through the truth of scripture. Here are some of my favorites, besides Hannah’s story in 1 Samuel chapter 1. Speak them over yourself. Don’t be defeated in your time of waiting, dear friend.
Inspirational Scriptures
“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” – 2 Corinthians 4:8
“Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!” – 1 Chronicles 16:11
“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” – Romans 12:12
“He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.” – Isaiah 40:”29
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” – James 1:12
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.” – Proverbs 19:21
My Bio
Kalyn Rios, whose life and testimony is the undisputed evidence of God’s sovereignty & grace. She is a tried & true survivor coming from a family torn by divorce and has a background in the faith of Jehovah’s witnesses. Despite all the circumstances life has thrown at her, the hand of God has led her to the cross, where she now serves faithfully in ministry with her husband at Christian Life Center. Being a Pentecostal preacher’s wife, she strives to exhort & lift up women of all ages, to continue in the walk of the Lord through her blog, His Phoebe